She is the One Named Sailor
by dowsingelf77
Summary: Word to the wise. Never let Orihime come up with a battle strategy. Rated for minor language and crossdressing.


Just a little Bleach story, which came about when I was procrastinating with homework and decided to play a certain PC game I got for my birthday in 1996. I don't own Bleach or Sailor Moon; they belong to Tite Kubo and Naoko Takeuchi, respectively. Sorry if any of the characters are OOC...I tried... : (

She is the One Named Sailor…

"It's the only way."

Rukia's cobalt gaze pierced the assembled medley of people as she looked around. 'We can't afford to lose more time, especially since Ikkaku's been captured." A glance at Yumichika, who nodded solemnly. "We have to make this Hollow vulnerable by getting it to laugh, then ambushing it. Ikkaku will be recovered and Karakura will be safe for tonight," the petit shinigami finished her speech and sat down on the floor of Ichigo's living room. It was early evening, and the blood red sun had begun to sink beneath the horizon. Gathered together in the room were Ichigo, Rukia, Orihime, Uryu, Chad, Renji, and Yumichika, eyes somber and expressions grave. Earlier that day, the shinigami had come from Soul Society to take down a massive Hollow, which resembled a mutated, skeletal griffin and had the strength of a Menos Grande. The four veteran fighters from Soul Society had little success at subduing the monster. Just as they had reached the point of gaining the upper hand, Ikkaku had decided to give the monster an encore performance of his "Lucky" dance (now including background vocals), at which point the creature had swooped and easily knocked him out, dragging him into the air and away beyond the clouds.

"So, how do we presume to utilize levity to trounce this Hollow?" Uryu pushed up his glasses with a slender finger as he spoke. Half of those seated around him stared at him quizzically. "Jeez, why can't this guy just speak normally?" Renji mumbled with irritation, fidgeting. "He likes showing off his superior knowledge…" Ichigo uttered in reply as he helped himself to another potato chip.

The Quincy sniffed, offended. "Excuse me for being erudite."

"Anyway," Rukia cleared her throat to end the banter, "what are we going to do?"

Orihime, who had been quietly sitting in the corner, brandy colored hair spilling softly over a notepad, suddenly snapped her head up, eyes shining. The orange haired boy, recognizing the expression as being synonymous with future destruction and hours of a weeping populace, started to scoot his body back, eyes going wide with alarm. "I've got it!" the pretty girl shouted, rising to her feet. Oblivious to the oncoming potential hazard, Yumichika and Rukia turned to the girl with a curious look. "What do you suggest we do?" the beauty-obsessed shinigami asked innocently, anxious to save his friend. "I know just the thing to save Ikkaku-san!" Orihime smiled, then started to leave the room. At the last minute, she turned to Ichigo, "May I use your telephone? It won't take a second."

_Should I really let her do this…?_ Forcing his fear-filled features into his usual calm scowl, Ichigo nodded to the waiting, excited girl standing in the doorway. "Sure, Inoue, go ahead." With a rapid nod, Orihime bounded out of the room.

"I've never seen Inoue-san so joyful before…I wonder what she has planned." Uryu inquired with surprise. "Judging from the way Strawberry's been squirming, I doubt it's anything good for our health!" the ruby haired shinigami chuckled, throwing a smug glance at the deputy shinigami. Ichigo glared at Renji, but that quickly softened into a wicked smirk. _You're closer to the truth than you know, Ren-chan…_

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"Ouch, Inoue-san! This is tight!"

"Just hold still a second longer, Uryu-kun!"

"Dammit, Strawberry, why didn't you stop her when you had the chance?"

"But, Renji, didn't you say yourself whatever she had planned wouldn't be good? You could've just left…"

"You son of a…"

"Ah, Renji-san! You've torn a seam!"

"You know something odd? I think this actually hilights my natural beauty…"

"…somehow, I expected that from you, Yumichika."

An amused snort resounded throughout the room. "Nice work, Orihime. I think this plan will work just fine."

"Thank you so much, Kuchiki-san!"

"Rukia, you are so dead when this is over."

"What's the matter, Ichigo? I'm only complimenting Orihime's brilliant strategy."

"Renji, I hope you're prepared to lose your childhood friend."

"Funny, I was thinking the exact same thing, Strawberry."

"Inoue-san, MUST we wear the panties as well?!"

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Roars of fury echoed through the still, starlit night as a monstrous griffin landed in the middle of the darkened streets, holding a bald, unconscious shinigami in its slimy talons. The sleeping man began to stir, opening his dark eyes slowly.

"Hey, Hollow! Stop right there!" a loud voice yelled from the Hollow's left. It reared its head then turned, a growl straining to escape from its throat.

Five silhouettes were framed by a blazing light as a male voice called to the creature, "How dare you capture Ikkaku?" The voice dripped with suppressed emotion, as though spoken through clenched teeth. "You won't get away with it!"

Suddenly, a bright splash of light illuminated the figures. Chad, Uryu, Ichigo, Renji and Yumichika were revealed, clad in tight, sparkling sailor uniforms of varying colors. Appearing to be very painful, their feet were crammed snuggly into high-heels shoes (Uryu and Ichigo got off lucky with small heeled, knee high boots). Renji's scarlet hair hung loose, matching his designated outfit, while Ichigo's sunset-hued hair was now covered by long, golden blond tresses, styled into two buns trailed by long tails of hair. The cheeks of the five young men were adorably stained with rose.

Ikkaku woke up very quickly, eyes as wide as saucers. Seconds later, he was struggling for breath in the monster's claws, ribs nearly cracking from his whoops and wild spouts of laughter. The Hollow just let out an odd, guttural noise of confusion.

"Okay!" Orihime shouted from behind the boys, "Now!" Beside her on the sidewalk was a small, silver boom box, which she swiftly bent down to, pressing a button. A light, but strong melody of tinkling flowed from the speakers, which rapidly changed into a pulsing melody. Ichigo, struggling to keep himself from sobbing in humiliation, pointed a gloved finger to the sky as he and the other dolled-up guys opened their mouths to sing:

_**Fighting evil by moonlight**_

_**Winning love by daylight**_

_**Never running from a real fight**_

_**She is the one named Sailor Moon! **_All five snapped their fingers in sync.

_**She will never turn her back on a friend**_

_**She is always there to defend**_

_**She is the one on whom we can depend**_

_**She is the one named Sailor…**_

Yumichika eagerly leaped forward, posing in his bright orange sailor uniform, fluttering his eyelashes coyly as he lifted one arm into the air. Everyone except Chad shuddered in abject terror at the display.

_**Sailor Venus!**_

Uryu, face flushed with blood, came fully into the light, cutely bending his knees together under the sky blue skirt and holding out both arms like a demure little maiden. His clear blue eyes, unshielded by his glasses, were focuses on the ground as he gave a watery smile. Despite himself, Ichigo couldn't help admiring how darn cute the Quincy looked in the blue outfit, especially with the soft, ice blue lip gloss. Of course, the orange haired high schooler would be on the receiving end of a shining blue arrow if that got out.

_**Sailor Mercury!**_

Renji, teeth grinding and face flaming, delicately stepped in his scarlet pumps, attempting to angle his hips and legs the way Orihime had demonstrated earlier. He forced his shimmering red lips to curve into a light smile as he rested his fist against the red pleats of his skirt.

_**Sailor Mars!**_

Calm as always, Chad quietly approached, green ankle boots clicking on the concrete as he raised one long arm above his head and the other out, positioning his legs.

_How in the world has he managed to stay so cool during this crap?!_ Renji and Ichigo thought in unison.

_**Sailor Jupiter!**_

Ichigo moved in between the boys as they continued to dance to that infernal song.

_**Secret powers all so new to her**_

_**She is the one named Sailor Moon!**_ Fingers snapped in tandem once again.

The team of wannabe Sailor Senshi commenced with a complex display of dance moves during the guitar solo. Poor Renji winced throughout the whole thing, the pain of his shoes only getting worse as he backflipped over Uryuu. _Good gods, I became a shinigami for this?! _His mental voice howled in agony when Chad accidentally stomped on his foot.

As the song began to reach its conclusion, a swift shadow darted through the darkness past the bizarre routine towards the silently staring Hollow. Luckily, the shade was safe, as Ikkaku's screeches and occasional hiccups continued, drowning out any other sounds.

_**Fighting evil by moonlight**_

_**Winning love by daylight**_

_**With the Sailor Scouts to help fight**_

_**She is the one named Sailor Moon! **_

Chad and Uryu, sweating with exertion, quickly threw themselves into a crouching pose while Renji, Ichigo and Yumichika continued dancing.

_**She is the one named Sailor Moon!**_

The red and orange Sailor Senshi came down to the ground, snapping their fingers a final time and giving a brief sigh; Renji sighed with relief while Yumichika let out a breath of disappointment.

_**She is the one… Sailor Moon!**_

Ichigo snapped his legs apart in a straddle, at the same time pulling one hand behind his back and placing the other atop his now blond hair. The song faded out into the distance as silence crept in to reclaim its rightful rule over the night. Orihime shut off the boom box, her beaming face filled with pride. The only item in continuance was Ikkaku's hyena wails and frequent pleas for air.

The still night was quickly filled with rolling guffaws in answer to Ikkaku's hysterical screams as the griffin opened its great maw, large tears of mirth rolling down its skull-like mask. Rolling onto its side, the great claws loosened, coming around to clutch the creature's sides as the captive shinigami rolled gently away.

Ichigo was torn between complete embarrassment at the situation, sweatdropping at the creature finding this funny, and fury at the Hollow for laughing at all their hard work.

Without warning, a dark silhouette surged out of the darkness, a blade gleaming in its hand. Within seconds, the blade came down over the Hollow's still grinning face, slitting the mask to pieces.

Turning to the boys, Rukia calmly sheathed her blade as the Hollow vanished, leaving the unconscious spirit of a youth in its wake.

"Thank the GODS that this is over!" Renji roared as he attempted to rip the Sailor outfit off as though it was on fire. "Amen, let's get the heck out of here…"Ichigo replied, heading back towards the Kurosaki clinic, trailed by the others. "Hopefully, this is never mentioned again."

"Aw, but Ichigo…" Rukia's sly, sweet little voice was like needles shoved into his ears, "Orihime worked so hard..."

"I'LL KILL YOU!" Both hot blooded redheads snapped and lunged for the dark-haired girl, who danced out of reach, giggling.

Yumichika frowned, "Maybe I could ask Inoue if I can keep this…it does make me look lovely…" he mumbled to himself. He addressed his still chuckling partner, who was turning blue from lack of oxygen. "Come on, Ikkaku, let's go home before Captain Kenpachi decides to say something." The group started out for Ichigo's home after quickly sending the small spirit to Soul Society, the tiny black butterfly flying off up to the stars. Mission complete.

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The bright, full moon disappeared behind a thick, dark cloud. Unbeknownst to the troop setting out in the moonlit night, a figure watched them from a rooftop below, shadowed clothes swaying like a long cape in the nocturnal breeze. The soft sound of a violin resounded through the air as the figure elegantly lifted a hand.

"Okay, you can stop now."

"What should we do now, Boss?"

"Well, why don't we start making some video copies with the footage we just got, huh?"

The pale white beacon of the night sky emerged, bathing the shrouded figure and the one to whom he spoke in illumination. Lifting a fan to his grinning face, Kisuke Urahara began laughing like a maniac, robe swirling as he and Tessai walked away from the roof's edge, video camera safely tucked in the larger man's arms.

END.

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If any of you have ever played the Sailor Moon PC game, you remember the dance the Sailor Scouts do at the beginning during the intro scene? That's the dance that Ichigo and the others were doing, only they also did a few flips as well. :D So, questions? Comments? Review if you want to. :D


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